Non-Striving: The art of not trying too hard

Have you ever tried really really hard to make a decision about something, and failed miserably? You wrote down the pros and cons, you talked to everyone you know about it, and alas it seemed that the harder you tried the further away the decision seemed to be? And then, you stop trying so hard, you let go of forcing it, maybe have a snack and get on with your life for a while, and then suddenly the answer just seems to appear in your mind as if by magic? I have had this experience more times than I care to remember and this is a great example of how valuable letting go of trying so hard can be in our lives. 

Another great example of where this attitude of non-striving is invaluable, is when you try to untangle a knot in a chain, or a piece of jewelry or string. The harder you pull at it, the more tangled and stuck it becomes. The only way to free the knot is to gently pull and tease it out without forcing. 

This attitude of non-striving is at the heart of mindful awareness, and is one of 9 attitudinal foundations of mindfulness that renowned mindfulness teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn names as fundamental to the practice of mindfulness. Non-striving in the meditative domain is all about letting go of trying so hard, or trying to fix, solve and analyse with our thinking mind, and instead letting go into a space of allowing things to be as they are. 

So you might be thinking, but how on earth would I get anything done if I don’t try or put in any effort? How would anything ever change in my life? Non-striving can seem like a very irresponsible and almost lazy way to be in the world for many of us at first glance. However, this isn’t about giving up, not having goals and intentions or not making changes in our lives. It’s about knowing when trying too hard is actually keeping us stuck in our habitual ways of thinking and acting and when it is driving us to exhaustion. 

When it comes to our meditation practice, trying too hard to achieve a special state, to get relaxed, to clear our minds or to become calmer, can paradoxically get in the way of actually experiencing any benefits at all. A classic example we often give to our course participants is that when you try to get rid of thoughts and clear your mind, it's a bit like saying to someone don’t think of a pink elephant. And pop! A pink elephant instantly appears in most peoples minds as soon as you say that. Allowing our thoughts to come and go whilst bringing our attention to something like the physical sensations of our breath without trying to clear our minds or relax, is paradoxically the best path to experiencing greater peace and wellbeing through our practice. 

Now this absolutely doesn’t mean that there aren’t times in our lives when putting in effort and trying to fix or solve something isn't incredibly effective. This approach gets things done by analyzing the gap between where we are now and where we want to be and then works out how to make that gap smaller. This is what we call driven doing mode in mindfulness. It’s great at getting us to work or school on time, planning a trip, or putting up flat pack furniture.

However, there are other times in life when it doesn’t work so well, particularly when we try to use driven doing mode to solve our emotional problems, to think our way out of feeling unpleasant emotions such as sadness or disappointment. Trying too hard to get rid of an emotion is a bit like trying to push a beach ball underwater, it immediately pops back up when you let go and your arms get really tired trying to keep it down. Mindfulness offers another way, what we call being mode. We allow the emotion to be here, and let go of trying to fix or solve it with our thinking mind. Instead, we bring curiosity and care to where the emotion is showing up us for us in our body, which gives space for the emotion to pass through on its own. Like if we stop trying to push the beach ball under water and let it float next to us eventually it will drift away in the current. 

It is important to say, however, that non-striving can be misinterpreted as an excuse not to bother at all, to stop trying or putting in any effort whatsoever into our mindfulness practice and lives. Non-striving doesn’t mean we let go of our goals and intentions all together, instead it shows us how to find the appropriate amount and quality of effort to put into our meditation practice and lives. Sometimes less effort leads to greater wellbeing and less struggle and sometimes more.

A helpful teaching to explain this balance of effort, one that has stayed with me vividly for many years, was from Martine Bachelor, on my very first silent meditation retreat at Gaia House in Devon. She called the teaching her “party trick.” She asked us to hold out both hands in front of us and imagine we were holding something very precious to us which might represent something we really want in our lives, maybe the intention of being more present through meditation for example. And she said now grip it as tight as you can with both hands. What happens? Your arms eventually get tired and you might even drop this thing you are holding or wanting altogether. But then if our grip is too loose on this object we will drop it. So her advice was to hold it lightly with one hand, which means you can hold onto it easily and even do things with the other hand. So her advice is to hold our mindfulness practice, our intentions and our goals lightly too, rather than striving too hard or not trying at all. 

I also find this teaching of not too tight, not too loose incredibly helpful in my physical yoga practice. If I try too hard in a yoga pose it creates a lot of unnecessary physical tension and I might force my body to stretch too far and hurt myself. Whereas if I am overly cautious, hold myself back, always staying in my comfort zone, I don’t get the benefits from the practice. I gain no strength or stretch at all from the poses. 

Knowing when we are too tight or too loose is our meditation practice can be a little more subtle. Being too tight and trying too hard might show up as:

•  A lot of self-critism and perfectionism,

• Feeling like we aren’t good enough,

• Wanting something special to happen

• Thinking we are doing it wrong if when it isn't pleasant and enjoyable,

• Or gritting our teeth and keeping meditating through intense pain without changing position. 

This can be exhausting and lead to us giving up altogether. A little bit like if we tighten a guitar string too tight, it will snap!

 On the other hand, being too loose in our meditation practice might look like:

• Not putting in any effort and not really practicing at all,

• Letting ourselves be too comfortable so that we always fall asleep,

• Avoiding feeling any discomfort in our practice whatsoever,

• Sticking to the practices we like and avoiding the ones that challenge us.

These tendencies can lead to stagnancy in our practice and no learning or growth. A bit like if a guitar string is too loose it won’t play a note. 

It’s also important to say that nothing has gone wrong if you notice these experiences in your practice, they happen to all of us. It’s a continuous dance between bringing in more effort and softening back. My Buddhism studies tutor at Bangor university, Ciaran Saunders, described this to us as like walking on a path through a forest in the direction of greater wellbeing, sometimes we might notice we aren’t actually trying hard enough and veer off the path to the right into the bushes and get stuck, and we can put in a bit more effort to find our way back to the path. And sometimes we notice we’re putting in too much effort and veering off into the bushes to the left, and we just need to put in a little less effort to come back to the path. 

So I invite you to explore bringing this attitude of non-striving into your mindfulness practice and lives, perhaps by asking the gentle question: “too tight or too loose?” Or perhaps using the support of these wise words from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke, that I think sum up this attitude beautifully: 

“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” 

You can listen to the podcast version of this article below ⤵️